I truly wanted my first post on my new blog location to be something stellar and amazing. But I'm not feeling stellar OR amazing. Not even close. My heart. My head. Far from either of those frivolous emotions.
The Christmas season. For me. Is not exactly what I would hope for. It's not exciting and happy and joyful. It's busy and overwhelming. It means long days and even longer nights. It means pushing through and enduring when I feel like I can't go on. I feel drained and tired and empty.
Now please. Hear me. And don't get me wrong. This is not a complaint. This is an acknowledgment of my current state mind. Trust me… I love making everyone's Christmas wishes come true. I get excited knowing my handwork will rest underneath the boughs of a Christmas tree. I am thrilled to be a part of so many "special moments".
But me personally? I feel like I miss so much.
Gone are the days when I would bake for hours. Decorate every inch of our home. Spend time making lists of the kids Christmas wishes and balancing out who gets what and then and trying to make it all fit in the tiny budget. Gone are excursions to the Nutcracker. Entertaining others.
And the most heartbreaking? I lose site of the true meaning of Christmas.
Instead. I work. Before you point your finger, I do realize this is a choice...my choice. But as an entrepreneur who works in retail… THIS is reality. We have no choice. This is how you end "in the black". Like it. Or not.
I'm not complaining per se. Just pondering. Remembering. Feeling a little lonely covered with silver dust. My nails are shredded. My back aches. And I wonder if I'll ever get lights on our tree. I'm jealous of my friends who are taking time to sit by the fire with loved ones… hide their stupid elf on the shelf… spend hours making Pinterest crafts and already have their presents wrapped! Hey…I'm just thankful for a prime membership at Amazon!
So I hang twinkly lights in my studio and blast Christmas music all day long in hopes of maintaining some of the Christmas cheer. And today, after Tahlia carefully set up the nativity I stopped…and stared at it. Focus Lisa. Remember. That gift. That first Christmas. Where all of this began. Before the crazy. Before the madness. Before I was pulled away. And little by little my heart regains its joy. Little by little I FEEL the peace and joy of Christmas. Real Christmas. Enter my being and fill the empty lonely places.
My hope for you. And my reminder for me. Is that we take time to breathe. To look around us and be thankful. To remember it's not in the glitz and the glitter, in the presents, in the eggnog. But it's in the joy of that first Christmas. It's in that abounding love. It's in the people who are near and dear to us. It's about us showing love to ALL of humanity. It's about giving of ourselves to others.
Thank you for hearing my heart. I needed to speak, to write, to share. I feel better just knowing that you're there.
As I head back into the studio today I'm standing a little taller and my smile is a little bigger.
And I just wanted you to know I love you. <3
xooxoxoxo
lisa
