Voices in my head. Why am I even writing this. It's Tuesday. On Tuesdays, I have decided, I will share family fashion. Fun. Light hearted. Easy. I will not talk about voices in my head. Especially not on a Tuesday. Yet here I am.
Why? You might ask. Here's the thing. Since I started this blog many moons ago, I have chosen to be honest with my writing. Share my heart. Tell my stories. I only write the tough stuff when it literally is bursting out of my brain. I can't explain that. Maybe it's one of my crazy voices. But sometimes the words just start and I am compelled to share.
This is one of those times.
Yes, the Tuesday fashion photos have been shot. The post is ready. But I heard that still small voice say no. Not yet. These words. Write these words first. I may have even debated myself. I may have even shot the rough draft to a friend and ask if this makes me seem crazy. The response? No more than usual. Not exactly comforting, but I can live with it. So voices. Let's just get down to the words that spewed forth from my brain to this page.
I am convinced there are voices in my head. I mean, not like actual VOICES VOICES. I don't hear things and think someone else is in the room. THAT would be weird. However, there are constantly active conversations that are going on inside my brain. Normal? I don't know if that's normal or not. Ok fine, I saw that look you just gave me. Now you are looking at me like some kind of freak. Fine. Whatever. OK. People look at me like that all the time!
I am convinced there are voices in my head. I mean, not like actual VOICES VOICES.
The voices. Sometimes I wonder if it's my younger self trying to tell my present self what to do. That if survived life at 16 or 19 or 27 or even 35, then I might want to possibly listen to my younger self. Maybe SHE actually does knows something.
Sometimes I wonder if it's what I believe...my faith. Is it the Holy Spirit inside of me trying to teach me something, to guide, me to show me the way?
Intuition? Gut feeling? Maybe I just ate the wrong thing.
Frustrating! Either way there is a constant flurry of activity in my brain and I cannot seem to make it stop. God says to BE STILL. I'm good at body still. I cannot seem to be BRAIN still. It will not stop spinning!
Anytime I try to make an important decision I can't seem to land. I question my ability to make an actual decision that will benefit me. I worry about everybody else. I worry who will be happy who will not be happy. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hate this about myself.Is it because I made so many bad decisions in the past? Am I looking back and I judging the things I've done, the things I've said, the people I've spoken to, the people I never got a chance to speak to, ALL OF IT. Craziness. Pure craziness.
Bottom line? I can't seem to trust myself. And if my faith is so huge why can I seem to trust that either? Then of course I doubt if my faith is genuine at all. Do you see the cycle? I'm a lunatic.
Happy. Everyone talks about being happy. And what exactly IS happy? Happy seems to be circumstantial. If that is the case and I don't get to be happy is that OK? Then we fall into the whole aspect of joy. Do you get to actually just CHOOSE joy regardless of circumstantial happiness. Mind boggling people. Mind boggling.
Bottom line? I can't seem to trust myself. And if my faith is so huge why can I seem to trust that either?
Often I just wish that I did not think so much. There are thinkers and there are doers. Doers seem much happier. They easily make a decision and go for it. They don't dwell on it. They don't hardly second-guess themselves. They don't weigh every single option to make sure that they're doing the right thing. They don't analyze the affect their decision might have on the universe. They just do. Such great freedom that.
I watch my children in particular. Such confidence. They make solid decisions. They seem overly capable to choose the right people to be with and to walk away from people when necessary. Their strength is beautiful.
Me? I have allowed people to toss and turn me around my entire life. It's not their fault. I'm the one who chooses to listen to them. Chooses to be influenced by them. Chooses not to listen to myself. And I've done this for.so.long.
I think back to elementary school and junior high and high school, even college. I think of how I floated. I remember not being able to decide ANYthing for myself.
I have a problem. I DO have a strong voice. I AM a strong person. I speak loudly for those who cannot speak for themselves. I love people so furiously and passionately I'm brought to tears when I think of their struggles on a daily basis. I want what is best for everyone around me. I want my children to succeed and to grow and to love. I want them to find the right people to surround themselves with and to choose the right life partners. I want to help them be that strong confident person they're designed to be. But me? I am not strong. Nor am I confident. Nor am I able to hear my own inner voice. I can't discern.
Mindless rambling. Maybe. But these are the thoughts spinning in my head. To the point that I'm nauseous.
I have a problem. I DO have a strong voice. I AM a strong person. I speak loudly for those who cannot speak for themselves.
Maybe it's the curse of a creative mind. A creative mind bathed in insecurity. Should I admit this to you? Probably not. But...by putting it into words, in allowing the thoughts to flow from my head to paper, it seems a bit less crazy...to me. I think this is what happens when you are that square peg trying to fit in the round hole. You bang up against it so many times. Everyone tells you it HAS to fit in the hole. It must. And you try. Your really do try. But it just. doesn't. fit. You try everything to make it fit. But you cannot. This is not how you were created. But even after my years of coming to terms with my "square-ness" - even embracing it - my brain sometimes still believes it has be be round. And therefore. The angst. Does that make sense?
Be. Still. It's what I keep coming back to. Sounds so simple. So easy. Be. Still.
I wrote this post yesterday. I debated all day and night whether or not to actually post it. This morning. At 5:46 exactly I woke up. The first thing I always do is open my Bible app and read the daily verse. Ground me today I ask. Then I opened my Jesus Calling app. Sometimes I do this right away. Sometimes later in the morning. Today it was at 5:46...the words I read:
Come to me and rest. Give your mind a break form its habitual judging. You form judgements about this situation, that situation, this person, YOURSELF....but I created you first and foremost to know Me....when you become preoccupied with passing judgement you usurp My role. Allow Me to have My way in your life. Rather than evaluating My ways with you.
Be still. Rest. Give your mind a break.
I'm going to try that today. Really. Try. I'm going to a new yoga class. I'm going to drive down to the beach after work. I'm going to listen. Be still.
And maybe, just maybe...instead of voices I will hear myself.
much love, lisa
side bar: I started Bible Journaling last week. My girls bought me a Bible
that actually encourages writing, drawing, coloring. For me it's sometimes easier to illustrate my thoughts. Here is my Amazon affiliate link if you are interested.