Can we just be honest? Depression sucks.
Today is Tuesday. The day I'm supposed to share with you something fashionable. Something trendy. Something to make you feel good about the way you look.
But I got nothin'.
Quite frankly, instead of thinking about your "it" shoe...I am just barely putting one foot in front of the other.
Some of you may know we moved a few weeks ago. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. Everything happened so fast. Pack the house. Pack the studio. Pack the kids. Move. Find a school. Register for school. Settle in a rental home. Start working.
Needless to say. It has caught up with me.
I have suffered with depression in the past. Not a mild, "I just don't feel happy" depression. Full blown, out of sorts, out of body, pit of hell depression. And I could "feel" it rising. For those of you who have been there, you know what I mean.
For me, it's a dark inner turmoil. Something deep within my wants to see me fail, to sink, to fall so far into the muck that I just cannot rise out it.
But I have to.
For my children. For me.
It's funny how in my suffering Satan wants to remind me of every mistake I've ever made. Ever. He wants me to wallow in the sins I've committed since I was old enough to remember. He wants me to feel so guilty that I lose my sense of self worth and belonging. He has my number.
So as I struggle to take each breath, and move forward one step at a time. I'm not thinking about fashion, or favorite things. I'm thinking about surviving.
I'm smart enough to know I can't do this alone. I have a Savior who loves me. Who has forgiven me. Who has made me new. I heard these songs on my commute today...listen to the words, read the lyrics...the were sent for me.
I am more. I know that. But I have to believe it.
I'm also smart enough to know I need help. I'm going to get it.
Then right before I pulled into my driveway, this song came on. Redeemed. Again, watch the video, listen to the words.
God knows my struggle. He feels my pain. He gave me those songs. I was encouraged. Enough to write this post and be deadly honest with you.
I'm asking you for your prayers and your support and your understanding. No, I'm begging.
The darkness is real...but I KNOW that I'm surrounded by light. I just need to make a connection between my head and my heart.
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| this is my tattoo and ring from my last fight through depression |
If you think I'm crazy and walk away, I understand....as hard as this post was to write...I can only imagine it's not fun to read. For those of you that stick around, thanks for loving me in spite of who I am.
Love, me
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Posted on September 25 2012