When the Grey Slips In...
It can be sneaky...quite deceptive actually.
It starts with a *sigh* and turns into a slump. The weight can be unbearable.
But I let it in. Maybe even welcomed it.
Sometimes it's easier to think of yourself as "not measuring up" then trying to find a solution.
Sometimes it's easier to wallow in the muck of your own perception of "self" although seldom correct.
Sometimes introspection is too hard.
Bottom line? I let myself travel here. To that dark place.
To that space I escaped not so very long ago. I know it's there. But I won. I won.
How dare it even try to come back.
I long for sunshine. I long for warmth. I don't do well with snowy, grey days.
They suck the life right out of me.
It could be more than the weather.
Truthfully? I know it is.
I am heading to a conference this week. Blissdom. So many wonderful, talented, successful women. I know them. I adore them. It intimidates me. A lot. And that is beginning to gnaw at my innermost being. All those ridiculous feelings of my youth. Rejection for being tall. For being "artsy". For being whatever it was that wasn't like everyone else. They come back like an unwelcome draft.
How ridiculous. And now you know too.
But I will make a choice. To rise above. To walk with my head held high. And pretend to be confident. No one will know.
And it's funny. When I feel the weight of it all at it's heaviest...He knows. And his gift to me came from my youngest while I sat at my desk, staring at a screen...she gave me a picture she drew...it said "best mom ever". Yup, I'm going to be ok!
xoxo, lisa
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Posted on January 23 2011