What's next. Who am I. Introspection.

What's next. Who am I. Introspection.
This has been a tough week. I'm not exactly sure why, but everything feels like a struggle. I find myself either close to tears or ready to explode. Strange combo.

You know how sometimes things just "catch up" with you. You go. Go. Go. And then...for me…there's a crash. Of course I constantly…and I mean constantly…worry about a depression crash. For as much as I don't love taking medication I am not willing to ever risk NOT taking it. I just can't let myself go there.
So for right now I struggle.

And the struggle seems to be significance. Not necessarily my own significance. But if I'm making a difference. If I'm making the people around me FEEL significant. Fail.

It's funny. We did our taxes. My first thought was…"that's a lot of jewelry"…my second thought was, "did I make an impact on those people?"
I've screwed up in life. I've made big mistakes. I've experienced grace and forgiveness and I live under the freedom of that gift. Now? Now I want to make a difference. I want to live a life that makes a mark…on people. Not to be recognized. Not to make more money. But to make others smile. To make others feel significant. To let you know you are loved.
But am I doing that?

Am I doing that with my husband? Does he feel significant? Does he feel loved and supported and encouraged? FAIL.
What about my kids? Do they know they are loved unconditionally? Do they know how much I treasure them? FAIL.
How about the people I pass in the grocery store? Or on the road?
What about the people I converse with online? FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

This is where the negative thoughts come in. I'm failing. I get angry. I get frustrated. I get selfish. I'm not doing "enough".
And then I get angry at THOSE thoughts. Because I know that I am in fact enough.
See the vicious cycle?

I'm a pretty introspective person. I work alone most of the time and I love it. I enjoy listening to music, and sermons, I even like the silence.
But lately the silence is deafening. Sometimes self talk is not helpful and more like destructive. And I'm not in the best of places.

I think "life" has caught up with me. Moving. Crashing. Change from homeschool mom to "regular" school mom. Crazy busy business. Horrid awful studio conditions. Floods. More moving. Losing a fur baby. Gaining a fur baby. Teenagers. Hormones…mine AND theirs. Supporting my man. Finding my place.

Today I started thinking about what I needed to change in my attitude. First I prayed that God would show me more of what His intent is for my life. That I'd stop looking at MY intent…and be more aware of His plan. Then I thought I would ask those around me what they think of when they think of me…I wanted honesty. I think they were being nice…regardless…it brought me to tears.

Maybe. Just maybe. I am being used.
Maybe. Just maybe. I can make a difference.

ONE WORD to describe me. ONE WORD that came to mind. That's what I asked for.
My word from your responses? OVERWHELMED.
Whether I believe all these words or not...well, actually that is irrelevant. It is giving me something to aspire to. Something to strive for. Something to help me finish my race.

Thank you for being just the encouragement I needed. You gave me what I needed for this day…
…so let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us. Hebrews 12.1
Thank you friend. You.Are.Loved.



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